God’s Holy Word is clear about how we are to treat our parents. The Fifth Commandment originally appearing in Exodus 20:12 (repeated in Deuteronomy 5:16) says, “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you”. This commandment, and the blessing attached to it, are repeated several times in scripture.
“Honor your father and mother” is mentioned twice in the Old Testament as noted above and six times in the New Testament (Matthew 15:4; 19:19; Mark 7:10; 10:19; Luke 18:20; Ephesians 6:2). The contextual definition of the word honor in this commandment (the Hebrew word kabod) means heavy or weighty. To honor someone, then, is to give weight or grant a person of position respect and even authority in one’s life. In the context of Exodus 20:12, it means to prize highly, care for, show respect for, and obey—honor.
The primary focus of the Fifth Commandment is the importance of learning to respect others while we are still children. In Leviticus 19:3, God says, “Every one of you shall revere his mother and his father. . . ” Children ultimately learn to revere God by first revering their parents, it helps children establish a lifetime pattern of respecting others as well as proper rules, traditions, principles and laws. The universal application of this important biblical principle found in 1 Peter 2:17. “Honor all people. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the king”.
And this all begins with the respect and honor we show our parents. Honoring our parents doesn’t cease when we become adults. It is a lifetime commitment. We should still respect their wisdom, consult with them, and welcome their continued involvement in our lives—spending time with them and doing our best to keep in touch with them. Jesus severely castigated the Pharisees because they neglected their parents and invented an excuse for that neglect (Matthew 15:4-6).
The Fifth Commandment introduces us to a series of commandments that define proper relationships with other people. This Fifth Commandment sets the tone for the last six by addressing the importance of our learning to treat each other with respect and honor. A child on his or her own does not naturally honor his or her parents. Children must be taught, and respectful behavior must be enforced. To see how essential, it is to lovingly discipline children see Proverbs 13:24; 19:18; 22:6, 15; 23:13-14; 29:15 and Hebrews 12:5-11. Parents need to carefully combine a firm insistence that their children obey the rules of courtesy and respect with an abundance of patience and gentleness.
Honoring parents is the foundation upon which respect and love for neighbor is built. Honoring others should be a normal, natural habit learned during youth as a result of honoring our parents. This commandment prepares a child for his or her future relationships. By learning respect and submission to authority in the home, the child learns to have respect for rules, laws, leaders, and people in general, especially adults. He learns to have special respect for those in positions of leadership and authority—teachers, coaches, police, leaders in government, leaders in the workplace, etc. The following important scriptures emphasize this. (Romans 13:1-2; 1 Peter 2:17-18; Ephesians 6:5-9; Colossians 3:22-25; 1 Timothy 5:17; 6:1-2; Titus 3:1-2; and Hebrews 13:17).
Paul helps to clarify the fifth commandment's meaning when he instructs the Ephesians: "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother,' which is the first commandment with promise: ‘that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth'" (Ephesians 6:1-3). Here, he uses "obey" but conditions it with "in the Lord." The Holman Christian Standard Bible catches the sense of his meaning: "Children, obey your parents as you would the Lord, because this is right".
This commandment applies both to young children and adult children, we are to honor our parents. There are some differences, of course. When the Bible tells “children” to “obey your parents,” it obviously means minor children (Colossians 3:20). Even young Jesus “was subject to” His parents (Luke 2:51). We honor our parents by showing respect, deference, care, and concern. If we follow this commandment God will bless us.
This promise of blessing is fulfilled often simply because of the logical laws of cause and effect. A teachable and obedient child who has learned to respect people, submit to authority, and have good relationships will generally have a safer, healthier, longer, and more successful life.
This promise is also meant to apply to “the land”—the nation. Generally, a nation survives for a long time and thrives as long as it is composed mostly of strong families which this commandment encourages. Six of the commandments—the fifth through the 10th—serve as the standards of conduct in areas of human behavior that generate the most far-reaching consequences on individuals, families, groups, and society as a whole.
This commandment is not limited to honoring one’s biological parents. “Your father and mother” also means the people who have or had guardianship and have acted as your parents. They can be adoptive parents, stepparents, grandparents, foster parents, uncles and aunts, etc. Furthermore, grandparents are deserving of special respect. The Bible also teaches that a person should show special respect toward people who are much older than he/she is (Leviticus 19:32; 1 Peter 5:5).
We who are parents should first think of ourselves as children—the children of God. It is just as important for us to respect and obey our Heavenly Father as it is for our children to respect and obey us. Only then is it possible for us to fully grasp our role as the spiritual leaders of our children. “In Israel, the honor due to parents had a definitely covenant context and pertains to accepting and passing on the Torah,” according to the NIV Cultural Backgrounds Study Bible. This commandment was connected to a passing down of their faith from generation to generation. Parents must teach the truth of God’s Word and way of life to their children, ideally by doing it every day (Deuteronomy 4:9-10; 6:6-9, 20-25; 11:18-21; Ephesians 6:4).
God places the primary responsibility for teaching children the basic principles of life directly on the shoulders of parents. The ability of mothers and fathers to succeed in this responsibility depends significantly on how much they, in turn, submit to God’s instruction and teaching and show love and respect for Him. Remember, four commandments that emphasize the importance of a personal relationship with God precede the commandment to give honor to our parents. After all, God is our ultimate Parent.
Notice how God challenged the spiritual leaders of ancient Israel: “A son honors his father, and a servant his master. If then I am the Father, where is My honor? And if I am a Master, where is My reverence?” (Malachi 1:6). As our Creator, God is the Father of us all. In that sense, we should recognize that the Fifth Commandment forms a “bridge” of sorts between the first four of the Ten Commandments (concerning our relationship with God) and the last six (concerning our relationship with fellow human beings). And that this commandment is designed to assist us in teaching our children to whom reverence, honor and worship is due as this verse indicates.
As an inset: Should I honor a parent whose actions have not deserved honor? All parents make many mistakes, but when the attitudes and behaviors of a parent have been abusive or terrible in other ways, it is confusing and challenging for a child to know how to honor that parent. Properly respecting those whose behavior is less than honorable is not easy. For instance, victims of persistent verbal, physical or sexual abuse usually find it difficult to honor the guilty parent. God does not demand, in the Fifth Commandment, that children of such parents continue to subject themselves or their children to mistreatment. How can we honor parents or grandparents whose behavior is unworthy of admiration? How can we apply this commandment to them?
First (as in most things), we must deal with our own emotions and attitudes. Jesus tells us to love and pray for even our enemies (Matthew 5:44-45). This applies to parents who have mistreated us or whose example we find hard to respect. The child should still be courteous, pray for the parent and forgive him. In extreme cases, it might help to counsel with a minister or qualified outside counselor. We may strongly disapprove of their way of life. We may disdain their sinful behavior; however, we must not harbor hate (which God equates with murder) or malice toward them. Never allow yourself to grow to despise them as a person in that way. That is where God has drawn the line for us as true Christians.
Regarding this commandment, we must also take the time to note that God prescribed the death penalty for anyone who struck or cursed his father or mother (Exodus 21:15, 17; Leviticus 20:9). The “wayward son” law provided for the possible death penalty for a chronically rebellious and incorrigible child (Deuteronomy 21:18-21). These are some scary consequences for not honoring your parents!
It’s essential to understand that God never permitted a parent to kill one of his or her children. The elders at the gate of a city served as a court of law and only they could impose the death penalty (Deuteronomy 21:19). The “wayward son” law required first of all that both the father and mother had to agree to bring the child to the court at the gate of the city for a trial by the “elders.” It is also noteworthy that there is no biblical or historical record of any executions that were based on these laws.
Jesus Himself spoke of this commandment to the Pharisees in Matthew 15:4 and Mark 7:10, and again when He spoke of commandments that prohibit wrong actions and attitudes against others. He also mentioned it (along with referencing other commandments) when speaking about those who will inherit the kingdom of God in Matthew 19:19, Mark 10:19 and Luke 18:10.
Even as we consider this Commandment, we must remember that God is invested in relationships; we are created for a purpose. He desires a relationship with each of us for the purpose of ultimately bringing us into His family. To illustrate the structure of the relationship He was (and is) ultimately desiring and wanting us to learn; He created the family unit. The way we respect our parents says a lot about how we will ultimately show respect and honor to God. Honoring our father and our mother teaches us how to honor our Heavenly Father better.
The Fifth Commandment shows us from whom and how the fundamentals of respect and honor are most effectively learned; from within the family! And as we’ve seen already, it guides us to know how to yield to others, how to properly submit to authority. As we faithfully teach our children, our faith is passed from generation to generation and this commandment inherently should teach our children to whom reverence, honor and worship is due. Our heavenly Father!
Before I conclude this pastor’s message on the Fifth Commandment. The other side of this subject is godly parenting, an awesome responsibility! God’s instruction to parents makes this clear: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up” (Deuteronomy 6:5-7).
Our western society (accelerated by the “woke” movement) is turning its back on the Bible, the Ten Commandments and most, if not all Judeo-Christian values. Bible prophecies tell us this will happen: “But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: For men will be lovers of themselves. . . blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful. . . unloving, unforgiving, slanderers. . . despisers of good. . . haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God” (2 Timothy 3:1-4; see also Isaiah 3:4-5, 8-17). Therefore, parents must work extra hard to keep these evils from influencing and infecting their families. When we first honor and obey God, we set the proper example for our children.
Furthermore, it is critical to learn how to be effective teachers. As parents we must be good role models (I would add all adults within church must be). Throughout the Bible, especially in the book of Proverbs, we find many instructions and principles about how we should treat and honor each other. We should regularly discuss these in our families and apply them to the real-life situations our children face every day. Perhaps even if time permits commit to one chapter a day—the first chapter on the first of the month and progressing accordingly. If a day is missed that’s ok, carry on and you will be able to work through the entirety of Proverbs several times a year. Make these discussions interactive—allowing the children to freely ask questions that we as parents can then help them resolve, using biblical principles, as thoroughly and accurately as possible (Deuteronomy 6:20-21).
It is by treating children with dignity and respect in an interactive process that they learn how they should treat others, and why their attitudes and behavior should reflect love and concern for them. Parents who assist their children in searching God’s Word to verify the foundation of the family’s values are teaching them how to rely on God’s judgment instead of trusting their own emotions, desires.
Children learn by receiving instruction, and by receiving and responding to appropriate discipline. Understand children, especially teenagers, search for their own place in society. They need guidance and instruction as well as love and reassurance. Parents should never ridicule them. Paul cautions parents, especially fathers, not to “provoke [exasperate (NIV)] your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). As parents, we should rejoice with our children in their achievements, sharing in their successes. But we should be careful to direct our praise specifically toward them as individuals. We should tell them when we are pleased with them when they succeed, or even make a hard effort that may not end in the outcome that is sought. This bolsters their confidence that it is possible for them to please us and additionally their Heavenly Father.
When Moses reviewed the Ten Commandments with the people of Israel, he commented on another blessing, in addition to long life, for keeping the Fifth Commandment: “Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may be well with you in the land which the Lord your God is giving you” (Deuteronomy 5:16). The command to honor our father and mother is important to God, and so it must hold a high countenance in our hearts.